We all mess up and say the wrong things sometimes
It’s my job to create a brave space in workplaces so you can have difficult conversations about race. And even though I am trained in this and it’s my job, I’ve said the wrong things before…
Like the time I accidentally misgendered somebody online.
Here’s what happened…
I wrote a social media post about an activist that had been arrested, calling for help and resources to support them.
My mistake? I didn’t check their pronouns and I used a male pronoun (he) instead of their correct non-binary pronoun (they).
I then tagged someone and asked if she could share some contacts with me so I could further help this person.
But her response was: “I’m not sharing anything with you until you correct their pronouns.”
And then she accused me of being transphobic.
Honestly, I was mad. I was trying to help not harm! This person had been arrested and I wanted to help them. Everyone was missing the point?!
My second mistake? I didn’t slow down. I was mad and got defensive that I was being called transphobic.
I did write to the person I had misgendered to apologize.
But I didn’t handle the initial situation very well. Instead of being defensive, I should have just owned it right there.
I could have said: “I’m sorry, I didn’t do my homework, I didn’t ask what their pronoun was and I should have. Let me redo this post and figure out a better way to communicate this.”
Because the reality is, we can still harm even when we have the best intentions.
It’s easy to deflect and point blame but this doesn’t help.
Instead, if we can be self-aware and open to being vulnerable, we learn, grow, and prevent ourselves from making the same mistakes again.
And that’s exactly what I do in my workshops.
I like to call it creating a “brave space” — where you and your colleagues can talk, with the best intentions and highest level of consciousness you have in the moment, but if you say something wrong you don’t panic and get defensive.
You just need to be vulnerable and open to the conversations that follow. And that takes bravery.
Melissa
PS Interested in holding some workshops in your workplace? My goal is to help organizations thrive by embracing diversity, equity, and inclusion… if your staff are happy and feel listened to and respected your business will reap the benefits. Drop me a reply and we can have a chat about it.
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